7 Worst Fashion Trends Ever

Listen, I’m not saying I’m the perfect style guru or anything. Just ask anyone who knows me…I’ve been victim of my own fashion bravery on more occasions than anyone can count. For the most part, I feel alright about this fact because the faux pas were committed of my own creative volition; I wasn’t following a trend, necessarily, so much as I was following my own adorably (I’d like to think) misguided sense of what was awesome.
While this is true, I have also gone to the dark side. I have picked up on more bad trends in fashion than I care to admit. It used to be that we could wait for the fashion phase to pass and then not have to worry about such-and-such atrocity again but that’s not true anymore. Everything old is new again.
Decades old styles are popping up on runways. People have forgotten the carnage of the first go-round and now no one is safe. So I consider it my public service for the day to present this reminder of some of the worst of the worst fashion fads and why they were so awful. Maybe now we can keep them in the past where they belong:

Shoulder pads

Who came up with the brilliant idea that women needed to look like chicks from the neck up and robots from the shoulders down? I’ve fallen prey to many bad fashion decisions but I was ripping shoulder pads out of sweaters before I knew how to write in cursive.

Ponchos

Okay, here’s a thought: let’s take every part of the female body that is curvy and fun to put clothes on and just hang my grandmother’s throw blanket over it. Oh and make sure it’s ridiculous colors and fabrics. Seriously, when you have to resort to old Mexican men for fashion tips, it might be time to go back to the drawing board.

Spandex

I almost didn’t include this on the list because of my love of leggings and tights and all things that generally enable me to wear really, really short skirts without looking too terribly naked. But Spandex is a horse of a different color. I’m talking about those oh-so-dark days when it looked like everyone was constantly going to or coming from aerobics class. And not everyone has the sleek physique to pull off the whole painted-on clothes look. We all saw way too much of our overweight middle-aged neighbors.

Tear-away pants

I blame the boy bands. Or maybe I blame Sporty Spice. Either way, all I can say about tear-away pants is that I still don’t get the point. And trust me, I tried, as a 14-year-old cheerleader (don’t judge. It was an awkward phase, damnit), and my conclusion was immediate: it is way faster, you brilliant athletes, to simply take off normal pants than to mess with those stupid snappies on the tear-aways, which make you look like an ass anyway.

Thongs

I’m not talking about thongs in general. I love thongs! Three cheers for no panty lines! But do you remember when thongs were not just tiny articles to keep your bits discreetly in order, but were loudly and proudly displayed where all could see? It’s called the “whale tail” (just look at a picture of a thong hanging out of the back of a girl’s pants and you’ll understand). I know that as a society we’ve gone through some less-than-modest times in our history of popular attire but I really think that putting a big ol’ arrow down your back pointing to your ass might take the prize.

Harem pants

Who looks good in these parachute monstrosities? Seriously, who? Tight at the top, tight at the ankles, puffy in between. Nothing about that even sounds good in theory. I love you, MC Hammer, but you really kinda screwed us with this one. The truly scary part? Harem pants are starting to make a comeback. If you stop seeing my articles on here, it’s because I’ve quit my job to become a full-time crusader against the return of harem pants.

Low-rise jeans

This is the one that just won’t quit. I remember when low-rise jeans first became popular…there was no greater supporter than me. In fact, for years, if you asked me, I would’ve believed that no other style of jeans was acceptable for my stylish derriere. But in recent years, I have seen the light: low-rise jeans are self-esteem killers. They are the chronic over-exposers of love handles, pudgy bellies and (if they’re really low) missed bikini waxes. They used to seem to create a sexy shape but in reality, all they did was point out problem areas and lead to a major overdose of ass-crack sightings. And no one needs that. There are so many other flattering and truly sexy options in jeans out there. Time for the low-rise to go away for good.